Getting broken is the beginning of a healing journey (a story of my school harassment and eating disorder)

Couple of days ago I watched from Netflix the movie "To the bone" (trailer). It´s a story about a girl who suffers from anorexia. I was quite tired and it had been a hard day. I had forced myself to let go of even two my very beloved ones and decided not keep in touch. That it´s their turn to maintain our relationship if they want. I want my relationships to be equal, open and honest. I had understood that for some reasons of their own journey, they want to take distance. And for sake of my journey too, because that helped me to go through my past and release emotional blockages like I did at that night (that´s at least one of the reasons).

So because of the tiredness and emotionally painful situation my mind/ego was quite well out of the game and I was able to go straight through to my past and emotions. I cried during the whole film and opened and healed so many wounds.

My bulimia started when I was 15 or something. I was bullied at school. Okay, I was ´different´. I was an artist, thinker and reformer already then. Wasn´t interested so much in clothes, fashion, bands.
Though it was a beginning of depression in Finland´s economy (at early 1990´s). And it wasn´t an easy place for my family too, we were poor. But yeah, of course I had clothes on. I bought them from a flee-market and it was just fine for me, it was also a statement (pro recycling and taking care of the planet) and way of living, like it is nowadays. What a waste of resources to buy a new when someone´s old is just waiting for to be Your new. Yeah, I listened to music and loved music like I do nowadays. But I wasn´t so attached to who is singing or playing and their lives, (they´re just normal human beings like the rest of us). I just let music go through my body, maybe danced, maybe sang, just enjoying. Couldn´t talk about the bands. Didn´t know a thing, wasn´t interested. Okay, I had one idol, Madonna. I loved her revolutionary attitude. Can´t never forget her performing "Like a Virgin". A way of combining religion and sex. Her pain (very strict puritan background) had grown into her strength, into her diamond with which she made fantastic music, and lots of money. She´s a one woman´s revolution (at least that´s my image of her) and that´s why she´s one of my idols/gurus/teachers/unicorn ponies whatever term You wanna use.

Maybe she wasn´t the best idol for a growing bullied, insecure teenage girl because of her very controlled body and sport habits. I read that she ran every day at least 10 km and so on. Don´t remember even half of it, but made me think that´s the best way of living. The way to grow into a secure woman. When I control my body, I can control the outer world too. Or maybe that was the only thing I could control in my world then. Everything else was falling apart. That was of course subconscious thinking and acting. But it came reality for me. I started running daily, even if my knees cried for help. I didn´t understand then that our bodies are extremely wise, they tell us all the time what to do, and their pains and other messages are worth of listening. It was an obsession. By the way: knees are related to self-esteem.. no wonder ;-)

I had a terrible acne. At least it was a horror for a girl who´s already bullied of her clothes, little breasts, opinions, being a smartass and because of her shortage (I´m only 1,54 m/60 inches tall; best things come in small packages ;-) Fortunately my dear mum wanted to help me not only with her love and talking but also with their pennies (still don´t know how they could afford that) and gave me a chance to go to a cosmetologist. Mum said that I have so beautiful eyes and the lady could teach me how to make-up them. Maybe her view was not that I should wear very hard make-up like I began to do (wear black clothes and lots of make-up). But she never said anything about that. She has always let us four children be as we are and make our own life-choices.
At the first time lady taught me how to make up and following times gave me facial treatments to my acne. She was a nice woman to talk to, but I was too vulnerable and young for her words about eating habits. Like not eating things with fat like chocolate and cakes. I became hysteric about the food. Started to watch every bite and feel guilty about eating. I felt fat (I was a tiny slim beautiful girl!). And the more obsessed about food I got, the more I wanted to eat. Mostly didn´t eat much, but couldn´t resist the sinful sweet delicacy. So sometimes I gobble them a lot and then threw up. One time my mum heard me and asked me if I had a problem. I think that was the last time when I threw up at home. Mental eating disorder didn´t disappear but it was "easy" to pretend it didn´t exist. Throwing up continued in my violent marriage couple of years later.

Eating is one of our primal needs. So it can easily get imbalanced if there´s something wrong with feeling of self-secure. For instance when kids go to a kindergarten, it´s very common, that they don´t eat much at first or even stop eating. After they´ll get a good warm secure connection with their kindergarten teacher/nurse, also eating gets better.
Adults can use eating as nursing themselves. "After a hard day I eat candy or cake, I´m worth it." And really.. is it the eating they need (unless they aren´t four hours without food)? Mostly it´s love we need. And if we can´t get it from ourselves or others, we´ll find another ways. I teached myself couple of weeks ago to go naked in my bathroom and tenderly caress my whole body with oil which contains aromatherapy oils. Oh, it feels so good. And the most needy parts are those which I´ve hated the most like my stomach and thighs, I can hear them hum happiness!
And when I´m gonna have a boyfriend, I´m sure I´m gonna ask him to just lie down with me or kiss me when I´m stressed. I´m fortunate to have so many hugging friends <3 The loving touch is sooooo much more healing than eating can ever be. And still I think eating is really good way to nurse ourselves too. To hear what our body really wants us to eat. What is going to pet our sense of taste. I love fruits. And salads. And pasta. And candy and ice cream.
Fried mushrooms and onion. Yum... that must be my evening snack today :-)

As a bullied troubled teenage-girl with unemployed parents during the depression of whole society, I think the eating seemed the only thing I could control. It was combined with self-hate. Like bullied girls usually turn the hate they get to themselves (boys can also be, but they are more likely to be aggressive to others than themselves). It has been a long long long like endless long way for me to learn how to even feel hate. I have had to release it in so many workshops (really had to LEARN to find it, couldn´t find it myself) and by myself after that (yelling at empty home is sooo liberating!). And now I´m at last in that point where I can say: "No, I don´t take that in me. I don´t do that. I didn´t do that. You can´t blame me for that."
Just today I had to say: "No, I´m not guilty if someone is violent towards me. The other one is."
I don´t have any tolerance against bad language or action anymore. My tolerance has been so so high. Now it´s zero.
Every emotion is real and has a right to exist. But every action is not right. Everybody has a chance to choose her/his acts. And if can´t, should seek help. I wouldn´t be alive, if I wouldn´t seek help (my past made me suicidal and my first husband could have killed me with his kicks in my head and strangling).
At least I wouldn´t be happy and alive, if I wouldn´t seek help. I´m so so grateful to all those wonderful people (my family, friends, caretakers, therapists, co-workers, strangers...) who has helped me by joining me with my awesome difficult wonderful journey through it hells and paradises, some just couple of steps, some whole my life.
Thank You!

I´ve told You before about the body image documentary which deleted my (hopely last) blockages which prevented me not to love my body as it is. The super healing movie is Embrace (Youtube: trailer). You find it from Netflix.

Embrace and appreciate Yourself, You are the grace of great Spirit <3
Love Yourself and Your glory shines far away :-) !
My body is my holy vehicle in this life <3
(A pic taken in White Mandala Room in Natural High Healing Festival 2017)